I am having mood swings now.
And the swing reached the good part.
For the first of many many days, I was smiling to myself at the end of the day. I don't do that often nowadays.
Its a mystery that things happen in streaks. Good or bad. And somehow I felt good things, or should I say better things, happened today.
To start my better days, I got my results for IPC and got highest in class. The second best part of it is, I did not study. Yeah, fuck me if you are lamenting that life's unfair. Well, you know what? It ISN'T(refer previous post). And now I am enjoying the great part of it.
And the best part is, I am one-up....nah, too little....ten thousand up than THE person. One thing that I learned; you don' t have to be an ass-licker to be popular. In fact, it makes matters worse. You don't have to be the one that helps the lecturer to collect the exam papers, clean the white board, being complimenting, nodded your head 24/7 eventhough u don't know a god-damn thing about what the lecturer talked about, asked the class to shut up because the lecturer just show her/his face, lick their shoes, suck their cock...whateverrr. Just be yourself....study, get results and make fun...i mean, have fun, and the lecturer will take note of you. On your face, cock suckerrrr...
And that's it. I am happy. Yeah, I am easy to please. Who cares? Just being myself.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Abstract
Why me?
Do I really deserve the treatment?
Do I?
Things seems to be au fait for everyone. Not me.
The pressure is on.
Do I really deserve to feel hurt over and over again?
Do I really miss my chances everytime?
Do I really need to be left as the loser all the time?
Do I really have to feel emptiness?
Do I really have to be left out all the time?
Do I really have to be a step later than others?
Do I?
Fate is playing its cards brilliantly.
And I lost everytime. Big time.
Streaks are suppose to end.
Mine wasn't.
It's never ending......
Do I really deserve the treatment?
Do I?
Things seems to be au fait for everyone. Not me.
The pressure is on.
Do I really deserve to feel hurt over and over again?
Do I really miss my chances everytime?
Do I really need to be left as the loser all the time?
Do I really have to feel emptiness?
Do I really have to be left out all the time?
Do I really have to be a step later than others?
Do I?
Fate is playing its cards brilliantly.
And I lost everytime. Big time.
Streaks are suppose to end.
Mine wasn't.
It's never ending......
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Birthday and Kim Gary
It was Len's Birthday. And we decided to celebrate it at Kim Gary Restaurant at Avenue K, KLCC.
Noticed the slight different on the name...it was now called Kim Gary Beyond. Dunno why....probably they merge with HK band Beyond...
Anyway, this entry was supposed to be about all the food that we had in the restaurant...but gee...my friends slightly abused my camera...so there isn't much I can illustrate about the restaurant..
But anyway...
A brief intro:
Kim Gary Beyond is a Popular Hong Kong chain that provides HK style food. Its price range for a proper meal is about RM11-RM20.
The restaurant's (at least this branch) theme is yellow. The atmosphere's nice, just a lil' packed.
My personal fave main course is
Cheese Baked Rice with Pork Chop with Borsch(Borch? Borchs? forget the spelling) soup and a tiny dish of jelly with a free drink(took "ying yong"). Very aromatic and filling. Worth the price (RM16.50). The pork was kinda stiff tho but the whole concept just suits my appetite.
My very personal favourite side dish is the French Toast. I totally recommended it. It smells(and tastes) like...like...heaven. Umph. Every time I put one serving in my mouth, I jsut wished that it stays there forever. Basically, I did not enjoy much, coz my greedy classmates just keep asking: " Can I have one piece pleeeaaase?" The request was repeated about 5-6 times.
By the way, its best serve hot.
One of the course kinda impressed me...its called Stone Rice(direct Chinese translation)...its serve in a stone bowl, which, at least what my classmate believe, makes it very aromatic. Anyhow, it did looked nice and I liked the cute lil' squid that comes with it. Yeap, its the reddish thingy. Pity I had to execute those.
Part of this entry will be dedicated to my friend's birthday......
The cake
The birthday girl.
Everyone of us are entitled to be fed by the b'day girl....
"I want the spoon too!"
No choice.....
"Lai la...mum mum....say aahh.."
And lastly...
the reluctant me....
Happy B'day, Len! ",)
Noticed the slight different on the name...it was now called Kim Gary Beyond. Dunno why....probably they merge with HK band Beyond...
Anyway, this entry was supposed to be about all the food that we had in the restaurant...but gee...my friends slightly abused my camera...so there isn't much I can illustrate about the restaurant..
But anyway...
A brief intro:
Kim Gary Beyond is a Popular Hong Kong chain that provides HK style food. Its price range for a proper meal is about RM11-RM20.
The restaurant's (at least this branch) theme is yellow. The atmosphere's nice, just a lil' packed.
My personal fave main course is
Cheese Baked Rice with Pork Chop with Borsch(Borch? Borchs? forget the spelling) soup and a tiny dish of jelly with a free drink(took "ying yong"). Very aromatic and filling. Worth the price (RM16.50). The pork was kinda stiff tho but the whole concept just suits my appetite.
My very personal favourite side dish is the French Toast. I totally recommended it. It smells(and tastes) like...like...heaven. Umph. Every time I put one serving in my mouth, I jsut wished that it stays there forever. Basically, I did not enjoy much, coz my greedy classmates just keep asking: " Can I have one piece pleeeaaase?" The request was repeated about 5-6 times.
By the way, its best serve hot.
One of the course kinda impressed me...its called Stone Rice(direct Chinese translation)...its serve in a stone bowl, which, at least what my classmate believe, makes it very aromatic. Anyhow, it did looked nice and I liked the cute lil' squid that comes with it. Yeap, its the reddish thingy. Pity I had to execute those.
Part of this entry will be dedicated to my friend's birthday......
The cake
The birthday girl.
Everyone of us are entitled to be fed by the b'day girl....
"I want the spoon too!"
No choice.....
"Lai la...mum mum....say aahh.."
And lastly...
the reluctant me....
Happy B'day, Len! ",)
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Confessions of a Sinner
Week 8 sounds like week 3. As weeks dragged by, the motivation to study hits a low point, so low that books were not even the last thing on my mind.
Beginning of sem, I promised to complete assignments right after I got it. I promised to work harder for mid-terms. I promised not to procrastinate. I promised that I wanted to raise my CGPA. I promised this...I promised that...
Mid-week of week 8, I felt I was cheating to myself I am doing just fine, everything's ok, assignments completed, studying hard. I lied. My mom got the bait too. I felt sorry.
I looked at the mirror this morning and I saw the word S-I-N-N-E-R spelled on my head. It was so obvious, as if it was burned into me with a charcoal stick. I tried to comfort myself I was doing just fine. But this time, it wasn't the case anymore. I can't go on cheating myself.
So I tried to wash away the burned words on my forehead. It didn't go away. Suddenly, I realized it won't work like that. I started to ponder.
Lately, I felt my life was in chaos. I wasn’t myself at times. Sins I committed at great lengths, at least to my measure. So many things went through my head; I just dunno where to start. Perhaps making a list now might help……
Primarily, studies. As I said, I promised to be incentive and that ain’t the case now. I didn’t realize that until mid-term today. I did not study for mid-term for the first time. Tho it did not turn out bad, I felt something’s wrong. I wasn’t concerned. I did not feel nervous as usual. Something’s just wrong. Assignments too. The question papers was left collecting dusk at the top of my shelf. I don’t even bother to look at it. I didn’t realize it until today when I told my friend(he usually left it till the last minute) and he said: “Dude, welcome to the in-group!” It was funny at that time. But as I sat on my desk, I feel terrible about myself.
My mom called two days ago, reminded me that it was the 15th day of lunar calendar, which means vegetarian time for me. My mom didn’t insist me on doing that, its just me that feel obliged to my faith. In the end, I ended up with McD for lunch and pork for dinner. I didn’t realize it till today. I felt guilty.
I felt I’m taking advantage of people now. Twice, Thomas wasn’t around when I wanted to lend his bike. I took it anyway. Then I called him just to tell him I pinjamed the bike. I called to tell, not to ask for permission, twice. Even though if he didn’t mind, I felt at fault with myself. I didn’t realize that until I was sitting on my desk and stared at his bike key..
Emotional dissonance doesn’t make my life better. Recently, I have been meditative about choices for my love life. I imagined the scenarios that I would be in if I was with this or that girl. In the end, I was just left confused. I was just fantasizing and the feelings caught me. Eventually, I think I was just cheating myself with the options that won’t really materialize. I didn’t realize it till I saw a couple went by me on my way back from dinner..
Nowadays, I cursed and cursed and cursed. So bad was the cursing that I felt disgusted of myself. But the cursing won’t stop. I tried and I failed miserably to avoid it. Then I told myself it was fine to curse. I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I saw somebody else was cursing away when they talked. It was disgusting and so impolite. Then I imagined looking at myself.
After a series of analyzing, perhaps I should start healing my burned wound and cleansing my sins. All I need is a little time and faith. Perhaps, a personal therapy might help. No more cheating of myself. Is time to wake up from the dead.
Beginning of sem, I promised to complete assignments right after I got it. I promised to work harder for mid-terms. I promised not to procrastinate. I promised that I wanted to raise my CGPA. I promised this...I promised that...
Mid-week of week 8, I felt I was cheating to myself I am doing just fine, everything's ok, assignments completed, studying hard. I lied. My mom got the bait too. I felt sorry.
I looked at the mirror this morning and I saw the word S-I-N-N-E-R spelled on my head. It was so obvious, as if it was burned into me with a charcoal stick. I tried to comfort myself I was doing just fine. But this time, it wasn't the case anymore. I can't go on cheating myself.
So I tried to wash away the burned words on my forehead. It didn't go away. Suddenly, I realized it won't work like that. I started to ponder.
Lately, I felt my life was in chaos. I wasn’t myself at times. Sins I committed at great lengths, at least to my measure. So many things went through my head; I just dunno where to start. Perhaps making a list now might help……
Primarily, studies. As I said, I promised to be incentive and that ain’t the case now. I didn’t realize that until mid-term today. I did not study for mid-term for the first time. Tho it did not turn out bad, I felt something’s wrong. I wasn’t concerned. I did not feel nervous as usual. Something’s just wrong. Assignments too. The question papers was left collecting dusk at the top of my shelf. I don’t even bother to look at it. I didn’t realize it until today when I told my friend(he usually left it till the last minute) and he said: “Dude, welcome to the in-group!” It was funny at that time. But as I sat on my desk, I feel terrible about myself.
My mom called two days ago, reminded me that it was the 15th day of lunar calendar, which means vegetarian time for me. My mom didn’t insist me on doing that, its just me that feel obliged to my faith. In the end, I ended up with McD for lunch and pork for dinner. I didn’t realize it till today. I felt guilty.
I felt I’m taking advantage of people now. Twice, Thomas wasn’t around when I wanted to lend his bike. I took it anyway. Then I called him just to tell him I pinjamed the bike. I called to tell, not to ask for permission, twice. Even though if he didn’t mind, I felt at fault with myself. I didn’t realize that until I was sitting on my desk and stared at his bike key..
Emotional dissonance doesn’t make my life better. Recently, I have been meditative about choices for my love life. I imagined the scenarios that I would be in if I was with this or that girl. In the end, I was just left confused. I was just fantasizing and the feelings caught me. Eventually, I think I was just cheating myself with the options that won’t really materialize. I didn’t realize it till I saw a couple went by me on my way back from dinner..
Nowadays, I cursed and cursed and cursed. So bad was the cursing that I felt disgusted of myself. But the cursing won’t stop. I tried and I failed miserably to avoid it. Then I told myself it was fine to curse. I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I saw somebody else was cursing away when they talked. It was disgusting and so impolite. Then I imagined looking at myself.
After a series of analyzing, perhaps I should start healing my burned wound and cleansing my sins. All I need is a little time and faith. Perhaps, a personal therapy might help. No more cheating of myself. Is time to wake up from the dead.
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