Confessions of a Sinner

Week 8 sounds like week 3. As weeks dragged by, the motivation to study hits a low point, so low that books were not even the last thing on my mind.

Beginning of sem, I promised to complete assignments right after I got it. I promised to work harder for mid-terms. I promised not to procrastinate. I promised that I wanted to raise my CGPA. I promised this...I promised that...

Mid-week of week 8, I felt I was cheating to myself I am doing just fine, everything's ok, assignments completed, studying hard. I lied. My mom got the bait too. I felt sorry.

I looked at the mirror this morning and I saw the word S-I-N-N-E-R spelled on my head. It was so obvious, as if it was burned into me with a charcoal stick. I tried to comfort myself I was doing just fine. But this time, it wasn't the case anymore. I can't go on cheating myself.

So I tried to wash away the burned words on my forehead. It didn't go away. Suddenly, I realized it won't work like that. I started to ponder.

Lately, I felt my life was in chaos. I wasn’t myself at times. Sins I committed at great lengths, at least to my measure. So many things went through my head; I just dunno where to start. Perhaps making a list now might help……

Primarily, studies. As I said, I promised to be incentive and that ain’t the case now. I didn’t realize that until mid-term today. I did not study for mid-term for the first time. Tho it did not turn out bad, I felt something’s wrong. I wasn’t concerned. I did not feel nervous as usual. Something’s just wrong. Assignments too. The question papers was left collecting dusk at the top of my shelf. I don’t even bother to look at it. I didn’t realize it until today when I told my friend(he usually left it till the last minute) and he said: “Dude, welcome to the in-group!” It was funny at that time. But as I sat on my desk, I feel terrible about myself.

My mom called two days ago, reminded me that it was the 15th day of lunar calendar, which means vegetarian time for me. My mom didn’t insist me on doing that, its just me that feel obliged to my faith. In the end, I ended up with McD for lunch and pork for dinner. I didn’t realize it till today. I felt guilty.

I felt I’m taking advantage of people now. Twice, Thomas wasn’t around when I wanted to lend his bike. I took it anyway. Then I called him just to tell him I pinjamed the bike. I called to tell, not to ask for permission, twice. Even though if he didn’t mind, I felt at fault with myself. I didn’t realize that until I was sitting on my desk and stared at his bike key..

Emotional dissonance doesn’t make my life better. Recently, I have been meditative about choices for my love life. I imagined the scenarios that I would be in if I was with this or that girl. In the end, I was just left confused. I was just fantasizing and the feelings caught me. Eventually, I think I was just cheating myself with the options that won’t really materialize. I didn’t realize it till I saw a couple went by me on my way back from dinner..

Nowadays, I cursed and cursed and cursed. So bad was the cursing that I felt disgusted of myself. But the cursing won’t stop. I tried and I failed miserably to avoid it. Then I told myself it was fine to curse. I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I saw somebody else was cursing away when they talked. It was disgusting and so impolite. Then I imagined looking at myself.

After a series of analyzing, perhaps I should start healing my burned wound and cleansing my sins. All I need is a little time and faith. Perhaps, a personal therapy might help. No more cheating of myself. Is time to wake up from the dead.